I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
