I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
