WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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