please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
