how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We named our party play list daddy issues
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
