1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
