Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
