chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
