You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
