it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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