M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
