the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
