Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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