I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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