Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
