he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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