its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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