i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
