I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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