he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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