my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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