if i can run in heels then i can drive
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
