There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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