Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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