Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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