Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
