Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
