Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
