Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
