You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
