my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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