I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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