Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
my being single is dangerous.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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