I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
