I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
