Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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