...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
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We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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