this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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