My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
