theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
