Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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