You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
