I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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