took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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