good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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