I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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