so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
