I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
