I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
