the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
