There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
