He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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