your parents love me but you hate me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
