Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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