get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
